Clomid has the potential for some side effects, most of which I fortunately saw no signs. The "mood changes" though... yeah I think I saw that. Of course most of you know me well enough that mood swings aren't exactly unheard of, ha. But the timing this week did seem to correspond, especially the last couple days taking it. I've been off a couple days now though and feel much better. Yesterday I had a FUS and I had a few follies that looked great, with the biggest being 13.2mm. The NP said that most likely I'll see the LH surge on Monday, which means IUI Tuesday and Wednesday. The great news was that she was the same NP that will be on call this weekend, and she would prefer to come into the Maple Grove office. So we had the tank delivered there, and she gave me her cell phone number. As soon as I see the surge, I can give her a call and we'll plan the time to meet in there, if it does happen early. And then if it's not until Tuesday, it's sooo much easier to go into MG in the morning before work. Worked out slick!
So after my appointment, I went straight to my phone and ordered up 2 vials of SuperSperm, and it's waiting just a few miles away from me now:) Bonus discovery was that either semen isn't taxable or the fees on the site include tax, so the total turned out to be a little lower than I had planned. Not cheap mind you, but every savings counts!
While I was in the "clomid fog" as I've heard it called, I felt a lot of grief about letting go of "the dream". That dream that so many of us girls and women have of finding a great guy, falling in love, getting married, and starting a family together. That illusive dream that the romantic comedies help convince you is out there for everyone. And I for one, still want to believe that a version of that dream is still out there for me... it's just going to happen in a little different order. For me, being a single mom by choice means choosing to become a mom even though I'm single... not choosing to be single by preference. I'm working on getting to that place where I can embrace being an SMC and get past the feelings of regret for what didn't happen in my past, because I would never want my (potential) child to feel like I had any regret related to her/him.
I emailed my SMC "newbie" group - a group of about 12 women or so who are thinking about, actively trying, currently pregnant or have recently had babies as Single Mom's by Choice - asking if others could relate to some of that grief. Some didn't seem to go through the same struggle, but others could definitely relate. All of them were really encouraging about the prospect of dating after the baby is in the picture - not that it is "easy" necessarily, but that it takes a lot of the pressure off and in some ways is the best filter you can have for a "good" guy. Some also pointed out that not everyone who finds "the dream" ends up all that happy. A few who already have babies stressed how much joy they have with them now. And a couple emphasized that yes... this could definitely be the clomid talking:)
I think maybe I had to grieve a little more too, but now I'm back to thinking positively, and getting so excited to start trying! I continue to try to walk that line between being hopeful, and getting my hopes up. I would so love to get pregnant during this first cycle, and that it's totally possible... yet I know this could take several tries... and might not work at all. But I also believe that positive energy can work wonders, so I'm going to channel all of it that I can, as well as prayers, into each and every try.
Now it's time to go enjoy this beautiful day on a long hike with my pooch! Thanks for "listening";-)
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