Negative

That was the reading on each of the home pregnancy tests I took yesterday and today.  Big Fat Negatives, better known as BFNs in the TTC world.  Not the news I wanted to get obviously, and gotta admit it left me feeling pretty dang negative all around.  It truly doesn't help that a person only finds out they're not pregnant when they're already deep in the trenches of pms.  Not exactly the time of the month for shiny happy thoughts as it is, and certainly compounded when that pending period causing the pms is exactly what you don't want! 

So I'm down, and I'm gonna let myself grieve a little, but I will get hopeful again before long.  Another SMC who recently also got a BFN after her first IUI attempt suggested our motto - Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off, and Start all over again.  And so I will.

First round done

Well I had IUIs yesterday and this morning, so if I'm becoming a mom this month, it's a work in progress!  Both seemed to go really well... the nurse was pretty dang funny.  She came in the room and said "Okay, lie back and let's get you pregnant!... I bet you never thought you'd hear that from some woman you don't know."  Had to laugh and agree with that.  She said Orlando's motility was great (go supersperm!) and my "fluid" looked really good.  Another thing I never thought I'd hear someone comment on. 

I'm continuing to be really hopeful and excited... yet realistic about the odds of this all working the first time around. Have an ultrasound and blood draw on Monday, to check the lining and see how my progeterone levels look.  Then a week later time for that big test!  Just going to do the best things I can for myself and keep breathing and hoping! :)

We have liftoff!

Finally got the two dark lines on the OPK today - that means LH surge, woohoo!  I had already called and scheduled IUI appointments for 8:30am Wednesday and 8am Thursday.. thinking positively.  Gave myself the Ovidrel shot just a few minutes ago, so that should help ensure I ovulate soon.  Then it's just a hope and a prayer that tiny egg takes kindly to one of Orlando's SuperSperm in 12 or 36 hours from now!  Now I'm watching a Glee rerun, featuring gorgeous Mr. Shue singing "Dream On" with his old rival.  hmmmm... think I have something to think about during that rather awkward appointment tomorrow... I'm just sayin.

I've got a challenging couple of days coming up at work, but then a four-day weekend, most of it camping on Temperance River on the North Shore of Lake Superior with Susan.  I can't help but think the fresh air, friendship and fun will be a good influence on this process:)  Perfect place to put my prayers and hopes out to the universe.

Patience was a virtue

that I used to have in spades.  How else would you explain staying in a relationship that never quite led to marriage for almost 9 years, right?  But I've noticed my level of patience declining over the past few years.  In some ways, I think that's a good thing.  Being too patient can mean time wasted, or people taking advantage of you.  Certainly it takes a certain level of impatience to make the decision to pursue motherhood on my own, and I'm glad I reached that point when I did. 

I do know though, from the many moms I know, as well as the many hours I've spent around children myself, that mothering takes an awful lot of patience.  I'm beginning to see that even in the veeeeery early stages... while I'm just trying to create a little life to mother.  The past four months, I've been charting my temps and peeing on ovulation predictor sticks to learn more about my cycle.  Like clockwork, I got the "LH surge" on day 11 or 12 each of those months.  So who would have figured that now that I'm actually trying to DO something with this cycle, everything would decide to stall out?  Today was Day 12, and the line on the stick was very faint... definitely no surge yet.  I'm hoping for a different story tomorrow, and gotta think that it will come Wednesday at the very latest.  I was getting frustrated but then reminded myself that this is just the first of many, MANY lessons I'll be taught on patience.  This is going to happen in it's own sweet time, just like everything else concerning kids does.

Clomid fog

Clomid has the potential for some side effects, most of which I fortunately saw no signs.  The "mood changes" though... yeah I think I saw that.  Of course most of you know me well enough that mood swings aren't exactly unheard of, ha.  But the timing this week did seem to correspond, especially the last couple days taking it.  I've been off a couple days now though and feel much better.  Yesterday I had a FUS and I had a few follies that looked great, with the biggest being 13.2mm.  The NP said that most likely I'll see the LH surge on Monday, which means IUI Tuesday and Wednesday.  The great news was that she was the same NP that will be on call this weekend, and she would prefer to come into the Maple Grove office.  So we had the tank delivered there, and she gave me her cell phone number.  As soon as I see the surge, I can give her a call and we'll plan the time to meet in there, if it does happen early.  And then if it's not until Tuesday, it's sooo much easier to go into MG in the morning before work.  Worked out slick!

So after my appointment, I went straight to my phone and ordered up 2 vials of SuperSperm, and it's waiting just a few miles away from me now:)  Bonus discovery was that either semen isn't taxable or the fees on the site include tax, so the total turned out to be a little lower than I had planned.  Not cheap mind you, but every savings counts! 

While I was in the "clomid fog" as I've heard it called, I felt a lot of grief about letting go of "the dream".  That dream that so many of us girls and women have of finding a great guy, falling in love, getting married, and starting a family together.  That illusive dream that the romantic comedies help convince you is out there for everyone.  And I for one, still want to believe that a version of that dream is still out there for me... it's just going to happen in a little different order.  For me, being a single mom by choice means choosing to become a mom even though I'm single... not choosing to be single by preference.  I'm working on getting to that place where I can embrace being an SMC and get past the feelings of regret for what didn't happen in my past, because I would never want my (potential) child to feel like I had any regret related to her/him.

I emailed my SMC "newbie" group - a group of about 12 women or so who are thinking about, actively trying, currently pregnant or have recently had babies as Single Mom's by Choice - asking if others could relate to some of that grief.  Some didn't seem to go through the same struggle, but others could definitely relate.  All of them were really encouraging about the prospect of dating after the baby is in the picture - not that it is "easy" necessarily, but that it takes a lot of the pressure off and in some ways is the best filter you can have for a "good" guy.  Some also pointed out that not everyone who finds "the dream" ends up all that happy.  A few who already have babies stressed how much joy they have with them now.  And a couple emphasized that yes... this could definitely be the clomid talking:)

I think maybe I had to grieve a little more too, but now I'm back to thinking positively, and getting so excited to start trying!  I continue to try to walk that line between being hopeful, and getting my hopes up.  I would so love to get pregnant during this first cycle, and that it's totally possible... yet I know this could take several tries... and might not work at all.  But I also believe that positive energy can work wonders, so I'm going to channel all of it that I can, as well as prayers, into each and every try. 

Now it's time to go enjoy this beautiful day on a long hike with my pooch!  Thanks for "listening";-)