Ups and downs

I haven't been a good blogger lately, as pointed out by a couple of my friends!  I'll try to recap the roller coaster of the past few weeks; please excuse the long post.

I took the BFN pretty hard.  I didn't think  had gotten my hopes up, but apparently, I had.  That first week after was really emotional... every time I felt a little better, something would trigger another wave of sadness.  Even though logically I knew it was far from the end of the world, or even the end of this journey, I had a hard time getting out from under it. 

I did have a very cool experience that first week.. that Thursday, I went to see my favorite NPR guy Scott Simon speak at the Minnesota Public Radio studios.  Scott and his wife adopted two girls from China, and he's recently written a book about that experience - a book truly, as he calls it, in praise of adoption.  I bought a copy after the very moving presentation, and when he signed it "To Suzanne and future family" (on my request), we had a little chat about SMCs and my current journey and consideration of adoption, he was really encouraging.  Of course, in my fragile emotional state at the time, I couldn't get out of there fast enough to have a little meltdown in the privacy of my car:)  It was just a really moving experience to share with my "NPR dad", as Jodie calls him.

At the end of that week, I headed to Pequot for the weekend, and gradually felt my spirits lift and my head clear.  I went for some great walks, spent time talking with my mom and Jodie, and finally told my dad about my big plans.  (His reaction was subtle, as I expected, but I was happy to get it out there.)  By Sunday I felt like I was on a much better page and more enthusiastic about try #2, while feeling like I really would be more grounded this time.

Life likes to throw in twists, though.  Monday I noticed my back feeling really tight, right between my shoulder blades.  By Tuesday it was really uncomfortable, and when I drove back home that evening, I went straight to the spa and got a massage.  That felt great for a bit, then the tightness was back with a vengence.  The next few days were pretty dang painful, and by Saturday I went to urgent care to get it checked out.  The doc spent a whole two minutes with me and said I was having muscle spasms, gave me scripts for vicadin and a muscle relaxant and sent me on my way.  I noticed later Saturday that I had a little red spot on the right side of my chest, and through the next couple days, noticed more spots, turning to blisters, and a strange tingling and numbness throughout my right side back and chest.  The painkillers helped with the back pain, but by Sunday night I was pretty convinced - I had shingles.  Went to my doc Monday morning and my suspicions were confirmed!  I started on anti-viral meds right away, so hopefully the length and severity will be shortened and I'll avoid any long-term problems. 

I had an ultrasound Saturday morning, before my UC visit, and expressed to nurse Deb that I was nervous about going through with this cycle with the pain, wondering if pain killers would be contraindicatory with pregnancy, etc.  She (in her rather rushed manner) said it shouldn't be a worry, that tylenol and even vicadin was fine to use during pregnancy.  We found a few big follies, one already at 22mm, and she freaked me out when she made it sound like I needed to do insem that day or the next.  "Well I haven't ordered the sperm yet....", kind of an important part of the process.  Luckily I hadn't had the LH surge yet, and continued testing through the weekend without a positive surge.  Finally on Monday afternoon I did get a positive, and after deliberating throughout the day on whether to go through with another cycle, I decided to call up Cryogenic Labs and get another couple doses of Orlando SuperSperm delivered to my clinic the next day.  I had gotten the ok from the clinic to do IUI if I was up to it, apparently the anti-viral meds are totally fine with pregnancy.  So Tuesday afternoon at 3:30, and Wednesday at 8:30am, I got two more insems. 

I feel a lot more calm in this 2 week wait, despite the fact that it's in the midst of this crazy twist with the shingles.  I'm looking at this as a longer-term process now, and really believe it could be 6 tries or so.  To be able to afford all those tries, I'm going to have to back down from the protocol they have me on right now.  Two IUIs, at least two US (this cycle it was 3, an extra early on to check out the cyst they had found last month).. all of that clinic time adds up, not to mention two doses of sperm.  There's been a lot of discussion on my SMC ttc (trying to concieve) board about the value of doing 2 IUIs per cycle, and I'm starting to feel like just one would be fine.  My docs may not recommend backing off, but they're not paying for it! 

At any rate, while would be ecstatic to be pregnant this cycle, and know there will still be some level of disappointment if I'm not, I feel a lot more prepared for a negative this time.  Obviously I let myself get WAY too stressed out last time... shingles is brought on, in someone young and relatively healthy like me, by stress more than anything else. Can't be doing that to myself every month, that's for sure!  Anyone know a good yogi?? :-)